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It wasn’t until a year later when I started shooting scenes with men as well that it hit me.

It’s one of the best things about being in the business.

It was 3 p.m., and I hadn’t eaten anything because I didn’t want to puke during the scene.

I was starving, and I still had about two hours until it was finally going to be my turn. We take my pretty girl pictures, and then it comes time to take the sex stills.

“I know this is weird, but you’re really beautiful and if I don’t ask for your number, I’ll probably never see you again.”His name was Paul and he had blindingly white teeth. I mean, I was fine telling him about the town I grew up in, that I double majored in sociology and literature, and that I went to a prestigious writing program, and that I was working on my first novel. I think getting off is a vital part of human life and one that we shouldn’t have to apologize for. I drove home knowing it was an impossible situation.

I didn’t mind telling him about the past three years I’d spent in New York working as an art model. I also realize that reality is a long way off, and in the meantime I spend a lot of my time wading through the bog of shit that is other people’s shame and rage as it relates to their sexuality. I justified this to myself with the notion that, hey, who knows if this is even serious and why weigh it down unnecessarily with all of the heavy lifting of institutionalized sexism that demands very specific sanctions against women that are empowered in any way financially or sexually, and, most especially, both? He couldn’t really know me to know if things were going to work out without knowing the whole truth, but knowing the whole truth was likely to cut things off at the pass.

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